It wasn’t until my mid-30s that I realized my body was not my own.

By this, I mean my relationship to my body. I thought it was. I thought in the bleaching and ripping of hair, the no-carb dieting, the running, yogaing and weightlifting that I was fully in charge. This was “healthy.” This was “taking care of myself.”

“The Beauty Myth”

There’s certainly nothing wrong with exercise. Bleach, pluck, shave yourself as you please. The problem was that underneath all that “taking care” was an unconscious desire to amend myself to be closer to some idealized standard of femininity. As a brown girl with short curly hair, DDD breasts and a tummy, what’s been reflected by our media, government and culture is that this body is not enough. It should be thinner, taller, lighter, more silky-haired, smaller. For womxn in a patriarchal society, beauty is worth, without it you are less than.

To be valued meant colonizing this ethnic body by white supremist, patriarchal, hetero ideals. It’s important to note that this is not something that I was conscious of. I was too busy exercising, dieting and reaching for a perfection always just … out … of … grasp.

We’re Colonized When …

In colonization, we think of the forceful and violent removal of a native people from their land and culture. The truth of this depravity is traumatic and visceral. When the body is colonized the act is often sneaky and quiet but no less brutal. At a young age we clue in to the not-enoughness of our physical form. Our skin is too dark. We weren’t born with “good hair.” Our lips too full. Our breasts too small. Our booty too flat. Our voice too soft. A battle is waged internally between you and the you you “should be.”

This is the work of systems of oppression. What better way to thwart and control a group of inherently powerful beings than to tell them that their self-worth relies on attributes they’ll never naturally obtain?

Working with womxn of color, what I’ve noticed about colonized bodies is:

A colonized body does not rest.
A colonized body does not heal.
A colonized body is not appreciated.
A colonized body has a small voice.
A colonized body is subjugated by oppressive schedules, exercise and diets.
A colonized body shuts down feeling.
A colonized body must be small or overly tough to be safe.
A colonized body is shamed for not “keeping up.”
A colonized body numbs itself to “unwind.”

Re-membering

A colonized body never has access to the fullness of who it is. It will be the marginalized many who will illumine a more realized society — one that affirms and places in the foreground ancestral wisdoms that center liberation, harmony and sustainable creation. The blueprints for this community live in our muscles. They’ve been passed down from the resilience of our ancestors. We may not know their names. We may not know their origins but their guidance comes to us through the body in movement, dream, song and our connection to the earth.

Here’s one essential practice for re-connecting to this guidance:

Invite stillness. Carve out 5 minutes (longer if possible) to simply let your body have what it wants. Put on a piece of music and let yourself move or be still for the duration of the song. Notice what arises from this place. What is your mood? What emotions are present? What is the body calling for? What happens when it’s affirmed?

This reclamation is about taking the time to be with yourself as you are. Notice the judgments in your head, the to-do items yet to be tackled, and come back again and again to feeling and sensing the body.

One Small Question

The work of decolonizing begins with one small question. “What does my body want.” We notice and practice letting ourselves claim what arises. We ask this question because the body is always connected to the present moment. It speaks in feeling and sensation. This simple question takes us outside the metrics of systems of inequality. What arrives may be a waterfall of requests or nothing at all. Like learning any new language, more is revealed with practice. When we’re connected with the wisdom of our body, we lean back to step forward with our full power.