the power in recognizing powerlessness

This morning I wrote a list of the things I am powerless over.

 
I am powerless over tomorrow.   
I am powerless over the kaleidoscope of feelings and sensations that shade my body.
I am powerless over the praise and recognition I do or don’t receive for my work.
I am powerless over who likes me or how “good” they think I am. 
I am powerless over whether I get the thing – the job, the contract, the invitation.
 
Was this a defeat? An exercise in nihilism?  
 
Recognizing our powerlessness is often accompanied by a sense of loss.  
 
It feels like making a poppy red kite with a sashay of pink bows down the tail. You’re sure this thing of beauty will pop against the blue sky. With care you take it out, unfurl its string and offer it to the world. Will others ooh and ahh? Maybe a hint of its goodness will reflect on you?  But before your creation is fully aloft, the wild wind snaps the cord and claims this treasure as her own.
 
We all have our kites.
 
They’re the resumes we send that go unacknowledged.
The relationships we can’t save.
The cash reserve suddenly swallowed by the unexpected.    

After one of these events, we may ask, "Why make kites at all?"  
 
If I am powerless, what is the utility of trying?  Why not instead spend my days on the couch, remote in one hand, smart device in the other toggling between distractions until this whole ordeal comes to an end?
 
But here’s the thing. When I wrote my list this morning, I did not feel apathetic.
 
Admitting powerlessness has a contradictory effect. It is not admitting defeat, it’s releasing control. Rather than giving up and checking out, an attitude of powerlessness invites us to unhook from the pressures we put on ourselves to predict and perfect.
 
When we try to ensure life goes “our way” things have a habit of unraveling.   
 
Our wants show up like a tight grip, and when we’re forced by a powerful wind to release our hold, this is when we feel overwhelmed. We flexed every muscle to exhaustion and still we "failed." Our apathy signals we truly have nothing more to give.  
 
What we don’t see is how our rosy kite continued erratically in the sky mile after mile eventually catching the eye of a man at the end of his shift.  As he walked to his car and saw this errant ruby with flailing pink ribbons, he too remembered the wild unpredictability of things and for a moment felt less alone.
 
We are all powerless.

But we think we are the ringleaders of our lives. How we look, how successful we are, how much money is in our bank accounts -- it's all up to us. As we will our agenda, we minimize our exposure to the unpredictable world by taking fewer risks. We pad the perceived sharp corners of life by striving for manageability and safety.    

Swaddled in bubble wrap it's much easier to say no. No to anything that could poke our cocoon. No to speaking up, no to asking for help, no to auditioning, no to applying, no to requesting more, no to publishing, no, no, no.   

When, even in this padded mirage, the pokes do come we double down. Where's the duct tape? 

These piercings, as uncomfortable as they are, invite us to step out of whatever we've been buffering ourselves with. Rather than trying to predict and control by distancing ourselves from the sharp world, we can step more fully in. We can engage with life directly as it emerges. 

Rather than regarding ourselves as the ringleaders of our lives, we see we are one of many in the audience looking out at the show intermittently laughing, crying, and scratching our heads in bewilderment. 

We aren't doing it, we are a part of it.

Recognizing our powerlessness allows us to restore power to its rightful place. Alongside us are so many others. And as we bump up against each other we are all shaped by the cosmos, the knowing earth, our ancestors, and spirit in innumerable seen and unseen ways.  Who are we to think that our little bubble wrap and duct tape could guard against such immensity?  

If we are powerless we may as well jump in, right?  Throw our name in the hat.  Wave our baton at the head of the parade. Press send. Powerlessness says, festoon your beautiful kite simply for the joy of festooning, set it to the wind, and let's see what happens.